Inner peace.

Today I decided to cut my hair short. Number two to be exact. Been a long time actually I didn’t do like that, and it does feels comforting.

When I was a junior in high school, I never had a quite a long hair as my mom never like that. She like us, I mean my siblings to have short hair like my dad  and I always insecure about that because most people like to make fun of that scenario. Yes, having a short hair is not a cool thing in my school.

Time by time I start to rebel and yeah since I’m started to grow old, that is not a thing that my mom can control and so does happened to all my brothers, and I know the feeling very well

The thing is, I like having a quite long hair but also by having that I realize that I need to concern on a few things like dandruff, or basically log hair problems *eventually your hair need an extra care too.

Well, the point is today I kind of have a feeling of free, and loving my choice even though there are a few peoples who quite shock and I expect that, not less some of that making fun of that (well I didn’t understand that either, and having short hair is called bald which is etymologically wrong to say that.) also, bald shaming is real. HAHAHA

Somehow there’s a lot decisions that I didn’t make because of fear, dogma and I’m trying to beat that, one by one.

“The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.” – Kourt K.

care, free.

I can’t exactly tell when I decided to just be myself, be truth to who I am and just ignore sh*** people threw at me.

Now I’m carefree.

Okay, here’s the thing.

I used to be very insecure on my personal behavior, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I move my hands; almost everything of my personality just because people use to call me sissy and the most annoying (like wtfish?) question that I got is

“Why do you act like a girl?”.

It’s hurt and still now but I just don’t care about it as much as I did before.

I don’t even make things up, like how do you control the way you talk, the way you walk the way you lived??? It’s just came out like it is the way it is.

Well, there are two types of people who asked these questions.

1.       The one who would like to mock me, or just they’re happy making people feel bad about themselves.

2.       The people who concern and care about me or above.

Huh.

The first category are most of them are just jerks who don’t have a life and you know, losers but the second one, as the times goes the might accept that, or I don’t know. I couldn’t care more about that.

And here’s some piece of advice to anyone who struggling the same thing that I used to face ;

Be proud of yourself. Be true to who you are. Don’t waste your time and energy on those peoples, those stuff.

You worth more than that.

With that,

Be Happy.

 

frem tumblr.com

I Lived - One Republic.

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Oh, oh, oh, oh

With every broken bone, I swear I lived
With every broken bone, I swear I

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I swear I lived, ohhh
I swear I lived, ohhh

Loss and acceptance.

Few days ago my dear friends lost him beloved mother, al fatihah.

That struck us hard, especially when realizing him, being apart for three years and that is really deeply sad. Today in one of our meeting he dedicated a song for her, and the atmosphere is just blue and I almost cry. Almost.

The love and compassion of that moment is so genuine and pure and that drive me to record  that moment, here.

That brought me to realize that both of my parents, beloved one or even me, I will die. Eventually we have to accept that no matter what. It’s just me thinking that if I am at him place how I overcome that. Ho w do I be? Am I strong enough? Am I ready?

Wan, if you read this, I wish Allah grant you an everlasting sabr and I wish all the best for you.

and this post, I dedicate to my ibu (mom), who always be at my back, support me no matter what even though when other people see me as a mess, you always comfort me. And I want you to know that I’m so blessed, more than thank you that I have you, as my mom. I want you to know that I love you so much and I hope Allah always bless you in his everlasting mercy and blessing.

And Ayah (dad), thank you for all the support, the courage and all the effort that you had done to raise me, and us and I love you both more than I can describe here, deep in my heart.

and with that, 

assalamualaikum.